Blindsided

Thank you all for your very kind comments. I apologize for not having written sooner. But it has been difficult, if not impossible to write with what has been happening.

My grandmother passed away this past Tuesday. I am extremely sad and worn down. I was able to bring her home from the rehab center the Monday before Christmas. We were all so happy for her to be home, but she was weak and had to be on oxygen. We were hoping that once she finished the antibiotics for her cellulitis that her breathing would improve with some steroids. We had a good few days, and were able to decorate the Christmas tree together. Toward the end of the week, though, her breathing became more labored and she went back in the hospital the Saturday before Christmas with pneumonia. She was so disappointed, but I tried to reassure her that it was the only chance she had of getting better. Each day she became weaker until Tuesday evening when she finally left us. I wish there was more that I could have done. I have lost my daily companion and best friend.

Our trip to Russia was the first of these two difficult journeys. We met a very cute and energetic little girl of 23 months old, but something inside me was gently warning me that this was not the right time and not the right child. I had no idea what was about to happen after returning home. But at the time my heart was painfully broken because I had so much wanted to meet our daughter and we didn't. What was even more disturbing was the pain I was feeling being separated from my two children, more than a day's travel away. It was incredibly difficult being so far away from them, and knowing the sacrifices our whole family was making so that we could make that trip... only to come home without our daughter. My consolations for going are that we were able to deliver documents for two families with court dates in December. Also, my aunt told me something in the hospital that meant more than anything to me. She said that the week that we were away and she was caring for my grandmother was very eye-opening for her. She had never realized before that time just how much her mother really loved her. I am so happy that she had that time together with my grandmother.

I don't know what is going to happen next. I need to find my way through each day without my grandmother's company and encouragement. Some things will get easier. Some will be much more difficult. And with everything that's happened I don't want to abandon our dreams of having another child, but I'm not ready to even think about the difficulties of proceeding when the difficulties of just living are so pressing.