Getting off the fence...

Last night Kev and I were reading and I asked him what he thought about the ethics of investing in an index fund (e.g. the S&P500) if it meant that we would be supporting companies that take advantage of their employees and customers, and don't necessarily support earth-sustaining business practices. Is it "right" to invest in these kinds of index funds (we have a sizable chunk of our retirement wrapped up in such index funds)? He mentioned that there are ethically conscientous-type funds one can invest it, but they don't necessarily perform as well. But the troubled look it his eyes and the next comment from him indicated that index funds were not really on his mind. He said... "I'm worried about you. I just want you to be happy."

These words are very sweet and you are probably thinking I have the kindest, most considerate husband in the world. And you would not be wrong. But this is not the first time I have heard those words, and I came unglued and got all over his ass they struck a sensitive chord.

I don't think I am unhappy. I just want clarity on what to do next regarding the adoption. (I'm waiting for that kick-in-the-stomach brand-on-the-forehead "YES. GO TO RUSSIA NOW" sign.)

I have prayed, and prayed. And have had others pray. But somehow I don't think I'm going to get the kick in the stomach. At church a few weeks ago a minister from Liberia was visiting to encourage us to support the missions field. Quite energetically he proclaimed that we all need to "Go and be a blessing to other people." The key word for me there was "Go"... and that's the closest I've received to the kick-in-the-stomach. I view adopting our child as my mission.

So Kevin thinks I'm unhappy. In fact, when I said the word "clarity" last night he confessed that he had "googled Women's Midlife Crisis" to try to figure out what's been going on with me.

I couldn't stop laughing (or was it crying.... you know, sometimes it can be both when the PMS hormones are circulating).

I'm not going through a midlife crisis! But he said that women in midlife crises tend to ask questions about the meaning of life. They search for "clarity". It happens when a major life-change happens, like when the kids leave home.

Okay, I'll admit there have been some major life-changing events that have happened here this past year. I lost my grandmother who lived with us (my best friend and companion), and the kids have started first-grade full-time. These are big changes. And now I want to get busy, but I just haven't been sure if going to Russia is it.

But no other options even sound appealing. At Costco there was a special holiday-season kiosk set up full of Russian trinkets and matryoshka dolls that I browsed through today. I looked at everything fondly... And it reminded me that Tricia is there right now, meeting her daughter for the first time. So I checked out Tricia's blog and was very encouraged.

So, today I started up the paperwork again for Russia. I have my I-600A to get in before December 12th if I want to have our I-171H extended without having to pay the $700+ fees. Actually, I'm shocked at how much paperwork there is to do. I have to do almost all of it again.

I hope I'm doing the right thing. We both have wanted to have another young child forever, and we know we can be a good family for this little person. I'm not nearly as naive idealistic as I was a year ago. I could use a fresh injection of hope. I'm hoping this will come as I re-engage myself in this process.

Wish me luck.