Thursday, March 19, 2009
Big guns
This is just a quick follow-up to the last post. I probably shouldn't even be blogging but I am so appreciative of the last few comments and I have some thoughts I'd like to share.
A large part of M's regressive behavior that we saw I now believe was due to the fact that she was miserable with her cold and the teething. As soon as the cold released it's hold upon her ears and nose, and the final eye tooth broke through it was like we had a different child. She was so happy! She started babbling again. Her favorite thing to do right now is to run-walk back and forth through the house. I've been taking her out more now that Little League games have started and she loves it! She can march around on the black top at school or play with the grass. She's not running her mouth on the ground any longer so I feel comfortable setting her down and letting her go. I've also pulled out the "activewear"... (the denim) so that she can get dirty and not destroy her good clothes. With the warmer weather I've been opening the doors and letting her run around on the deck and she loves it! I've decided that I need to get her out to see her own kind, so we've been to the park, for walks and yesterday to a Music Together demo at the library. That's a pretty cool program and I think she liked it, but she wasn't engaged with the activities... she loved having a rattle and a scarf to run around with. But while all the other children sat with their mommies she kept trying to run off.
I wonder if she's getting sick again (sigh) or there are hills and valleys in this attachment process. The wall came down briefly and now she's building it back up. Kevin was away for 2 nights and I wonder if that had anything to do with it. I've been the one to put her to bed at night so I wouldn't think that it affect her too much but I don't know. When he gets home at night he has so much energy with her and plays with her with enthusiasm that I can't seem to muster. (I have to pace myself or I won't make it through the day! Can you say even-keel?) So perhaps she missed that. But this morning she's already asleep at 9:15 am after being whiny and avoiding me for two hours this morning. I hadn't "worn" her in the ergobaby for a while so I stuck her on my back to make the kids breakfast and then again later when she was fussy. She fell asleep so that tells me I've either exhausted her with activities or another bug is coming on.
I did something this morning I probably shouldn't have done. I finally pulled out the videotapes I have of the twins when they were this same age... 18 months. Can you say, "Night and Day?" They were responsive to their names. They were laughing. They were naughty. C was trying to talk with great inflection in his babbling. There was eye contact. And I was 6 years younger. Was I a different mother to them? Or is it that M is just a wholy different child? When bringing home an adopted child to a family with older siblings that have been raised since birth... is it not even fair to make any comparisons?
Alarmed at the difference between M with C and K, I resolved to bring out the big guns. I immediately went to the phone and called the Early Start program. No more mincing around because she seems like she's making progress when she's happy. It's not enough. I'm pushing for an evaluation now. I then gave another call to a child psychologist that I'd been trying to get ahold of. Divine providence intervened... she picked up the phone!! We have an appointment to go see her next Monday with M.
I know that there are ranges in development with toddlers. I've seen talking, command-obeying 17 month olds at the park that blew me away. I also saw quiet, non-participating 17-month olds at the music session. But as I slyly always sneak in the "So hold old is your little one?" so I can make my comparison... it seems that the connection between that mother and child is more defined than we have with M. Give me patience, give me consistency and give me all that is love.
The videotapes were hard to watch... it was hard to watch C and K at that age because they were so adorable! They are adorable now but not quite as innocent as babes. And it was hard to see our favorite dog, Kona, who we lost only a few months after the film was taken. And finally my grandmother was there on tape, sitting in her chair with her glass of wine, chattering with the twins. We are so blessed to have experienced the love of that time. I only want to give that to M too.
Looking forward to a good day today!
A large part of M's regressive behavior that we saw I now believe was due to the fact that she was miserable with her cold and the teething. As soon as the cold released it's hold upon her ears and nose, and the final eye tooth broke through it was like we had a different child. She was so happy! She started babbling again. Her favorite thing to do right now is to run-walk back and forth through the house. I've been taking her out more now that Little League games have started and she loves it! She can march around on the black top at school or play with the grass. She's not running her mouth on the ground any longer so I feel comfortable setting her down and letting her go. I've also pulled out the "activewear"... (the denim) so that she can get dirty and not destroy her good clothes. With the warmer weather I've been opening the doors and letting her run around on the deck and she loves it! I've decided that I need to get her out to see her own kind, so we've been to the park, for walks and yesterday to a Music Together demo at the library. That's a pretty cool program and I think she liked it, but she wasn't engaged with the activities... she loved having a rattle and a scarf to run around with. But while all the other children sat with their mommies she kept trying to run off.
I wonder if she's getting sick again (sigh) or there are hills and valleys in this attachment process. The wall came down briefly and now she's building it back up. Kevin was away for 2 nights and I wonder if that had anything to do with it. I've been the one to put her to bed at night so I wouldn't think that it affect her too much but I don't know. When he gets home at night he has so much energy with her and plays with her with enthusiasm that I can't seem to muster. (I have to pace myself or I won't make it through the day! Can you say even-keel?) So perhaps she missed that. But this morning she's already asleep at 9:15 am after being whiny and avoiding me for two hours this morning. I hadn't "worn" her in the ergobaby for a while so I stuck her on my back to make the kids breakfast and then again later when she was fussy. She fell asleep so that tells me I've either exhausted her with activities or another bug is coming on.
I did something this morning I probably shouldn't have done. I finally pulled out the videotapes I have of the twins when they were this same age... 18 months. Can you say, "Night and Day?" They were responsive to their names. They were laughing. They were naughty. C was trying to talk with great inflection in his babbling. There was eye contact. And I was 6 years younger. Was I a different mother to them? Or is it that M is just a wholy different child? When bringing home an adopted child to a family with older siblings that have been raised since birth... is it not even fair to make any comparisons?
Alarmed at the difference between M with C and K, I resolved to bring out the big guns. I immediately went to the phone and called the Early Start program. No more mincing around because she seems like she's making progress when she's happy. It's not enough. I'm pushing for an evaluation now. I then gave another call to a child psychologist that I'd been trying to get ahold of. Divine providence intervened... she picked up the phone!! We have an appointment to go see her next Monday with M.
I know that there are ranges in development with toddlers. I've seen talking, command-obeying 17 month olds at the park that blew me away. I also saw quiet, non-participating 17-month olds at the music session. But as I slyly always sneak in the "So hold old is your little one?" so I can make my comparison... it seems that the connection between that mother and child is more defined than we have with M. Give me patience, give me consistency and give me all that is love.
The videotapes were hard to watch... it was hard to watch C and K at that age because they were so adorable! They are adorable now but not quite as innocent as babes. And it was hard to see our favorite dog, Kona, who we lost only a few months after the film was taken. And finally my grandmother was there on tape, sitting in her chair with her glass of wine, chattering with the twins. We are so blessed to have experienced the love of that time. I only want to give that to M too.
Looking forward to a good day today!
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6 comments:
life is always changing and it is so hard not to compare and contrast. but I think it's good to pull out those big guns, that's what they are there for...
in the meantime, enjoy these lovely days, and give M a tickle for us. :)))
We really understand and can identify with differences between our adopted kids and our birth kids at the same ages. They are NOTHING alike. In fact, our bio-son is 9 months younger than our adopted daughter, but in every way except on their records he is YEARS older than she is. You simply can't make those comparisons because the background is so different... not to mention that the genetics are different and you don't even know if there were any pre-natal issues developmentally with the mother's history. Just don't even try to compare... all it will do is frustrate you. In fact, it's even hard to compare our two biokids (age 9 and 12) to each other when they were at the same ages because even they are quite different. Just take each one as an individual and love them for who they are. See where that leads you.
Such wisdom in these last two comments. One day at a time. The professional advice will give you direction and maybe some tangible steps to move forward. Grief is interesting...kind of comes and goes like a cloud. Love you
Terry
hi,
you commented on my blog after i commented on your gardening blog ;) just wanted to say i don't have a DD yet, that was a lost referral. now i'm going for an asian/eurasian girl in Moscow City, and somehow I found your blog, as there aren't many people who go to Russia for asian children. i will definitely e-mail you with some ?'s if it gets to that point! just had to re-do our homestudy thanks to "THE LIST!" trying to get things out next week again...
alice :)
sorry you are going through all of this. I have been there though. Keep your chin up. You are doing everything in your power right now. Getting the evaluations is the right steps. I think we all do the comparisons. My kids have been home two years and I still sometimes do it. Did you ever get in touch with Alison? Hugs
Wow! It sounds like you are putting yourself through the ringer! I have one straight A student overachiever and one C- average grumpy teen. Did I birth them both? I can't imagine! Then Ry comes in at 2 years younger and brings them both back to earth with Wii, stuffed animals and monopoly. Whew!
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