Attachment - A long process

It seems like with M we have passed through many phases of attachment. When she first came home we went through a honeymoon period where we were very happy together, and happy to get to know each other. But during that time she was recovering from the traumatic process of being uprooted from the orphanage, familiar people and routines. She was thrown directly into our busy lives and was hauled around in the car to pick up the kids from school, or to the sidelines of a soccer game, or on one of our weekend adventures. She was amazingly accepting of all this activity. She likes to go places in the car and she enjoys being in new places and exploring. But what she didn't like was being home and taking naps. Going to sleep at night was easy, but when the molars were coming in we had some tough nights where it was hard to get her to go back to bed. One of the things that we didn't do (with any of our children) was have them sleep in our bed on a regular basis. With twins there was just no room for all four of us. Maybe we should have let M sleep with us. We even tried a few times, but if she came to our bed she would wiggle and suck her thumb all night, not sleeping, and keeping us up. It may have sped along our attachment to have her near us when sleeping, but we don't know that. We only know that none of were getting any sleep.

After just a few months Kevin was getting kisses from her, once in a while. Kevin was in love with M from the day he saw her picture. So their relationship from the beginning was strong. I also think that Kevin was just a little less sensitive to the whole touchy-feeling process of it all, so it was easier for him to bond with M and to let her bond with him. She was never afraid of him as you hear some orphans are nervous around men.

After M had been home for 6 months I was going through the pains of wondering why I didn't have this great bond with her and beating myself up about it. She was drawing away from me because she had just been through a series of really nasty colds where I had to use the nasal syringe regularly, administer bad tasting medicine, and then even apply an inhaler with a mask. I was her least favorite person. She was withdrawing from all of us at this point (although less from Kevin because he was the 'fun' dad). At that time it may have been regressive autism beginning, or her defense mechanisms setting in and shutting her down, or both.

A few months later when ABA started, she screamed the first 2 weeks. She needed me. She used me as her comfort and escape from these strangers coming everyday and spending time alone with her, trying to build rapport. At this point I felt like I had made some progress in her heart. She may not love me but she realized that she needed me.

After being home for about 15 months I think we hit a low point, M and I. She was so attached to Kevin and she was very tired of me. I must have been the caregiver that just wouldn't go away. Kevin was spending a lot of close time with her, getting her up in the morning and putting her to bed every night. I let him because I was drained from the effort I had to put into each day. In mid-December 2009 I went to Arizona for a few days when my father passed away and Kevin's mother came to watch M while I was gone. When I returned, M was actually happy to see me! It took her a couple minutes to realize who I was and that I was home, and then she was very excited. That was a much needed change, plus the few days of respite for me were good.

2010 was a great building year for our attachment with each other. It has been such hard work because M's delays contributed to her social detachedness and made connecting with her much more difficult. By May I finally felt like we had something going. And that was about a year and a half after we had adopted her! Certainly not how long I would have expected. And it was just a spark.

In September we began the whole IEP process with the school district in our town because M was turning 3 and would no longer qualify for the early intervention services she was receiving. The whole IEP process and dealing with our school district is another post altogether, but suffice it to say, the district proposed that M go to a county program for kids with autism. It was a full-day 5 days/week program with changing therapists every 15 minutes. People would come and go in the program depending on their staffing needs each month. Despite the fact that the facility reminded me of an orphanage, one of my main reasons for not sending M there was because of how tenuous our attachment was. It had taken 18 months to feel like she needed me. And even that was tenuous, because she would experience setbacks in her trust levels with us. I wasn't about to let her leave the home full-time (especially to a poorly managed program) and have so many different people come and go throughout her day that she couldn't establish trust and a relationship with. Our disagreement with the school district is ongoing because they don't understand this. They have no idea what to do with a post-institutionalized child.

I am so glad that I held out because M is now showing me spontaneous affection and it is absolutely WONDERFUL! In the past few weeks she has been hugging me because she wants to, and really holding on. She has been giving me kisses and touching my face. It's the most wonderful thing in the world.

It's only taken 2 and a half years.

And we're still working on it.

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