Saturday, November 18, 2006
Wind in my Sail
This past week has been very interesting. I've been able to talk to our agency director several times about different aspects related to our upcoming referral. He mentioned that there are no referrals meeting our criteria right now, but since we are not traveling until December, that some may become available then, as more children come off the registry. I was able to talk with the other family that traveled in October to Ekaterinburg about their experiences a little bit and it was very reassuring! And I have also made contact with a family down in the San Diego who should be going ahead of us. It's very exciting!
What is also more exciting (and yet, heartbreaking) is that yesterday our director called with a tentative referral for us, but it was not exactly what we are hoping for. I cannot go into specifics, but it was really hard to hear about this opportunity and know in my mind that we would probably have to say no. How is it possible in a woman's heart, a woman who has longed for a child or children for so long and who has suffered many losses and delays, to deny any child that has been through suffering, denial, and neglect? I can't help but want to reach out and cling to the possibility that this might be our referral.
Is it that at this stage I am that vulnerable? Or perhaps is it that I have reached the right point in this process of international adoption that I am primed and ready to bond with the child that we do meet when we go to Russia? But this particular point ... receiving a referral and having to turn it down... it's not easy.
I have to remember what our priorities are. Kevin is very objective about it, and has been from the very beginning. We cannot overextend ourselves to the point of not being able to provide our two children now, and my grandmother, with what they need.
As the prime mover in this adoption quest, it is simply unnatural to have to say 'No thank you.' to what you have been working so hard to achieve. But I suppose it is a part of the process. Establishing a set of criteria and being able to stick with it when you know that your heart is swaying and pulling your mind off the right course.
But with this attitude, how is there room for God to work, if we rigidly stick to our set guidelines without pause for the heart? Aren't we supposed to have open hearts? Doesn't God provide for us when we are in need? And He makes the impossible possible. By being so rigid, are we pushing Him out of the equation? Where is the balance between the common sense God has given us and the desires of the heart? In revelation? What if revelation doesn't come?
Even if we don't have an apocalyptic vision, we still must have faith. Faith that we will make the right decision. And faith that if we are still nervous, that we will be able to love and make the child we choose a part of our family forever. I know that despite Kevin's seemingly distant objectivity, that his heart will be moved even just a little, when we get the right referral. Perhaps his objectivity and my broken heart is just the right combination for navigating the oncoming current. He is the rudder, and I am the sail, catching the wind and pulling the boat forward in the direction that he knows we must go.
What is also more exciting (and yet, heartbreaking) is that yesterday our director called with a tentative referral for us, but it was not exactly what we are hoping for. I cannot go into specifics, but it was really hard to hear about this opportunity and know in my mind that we would probably have to say no. How is it possible in a woman's heart, a woman who has longed for a child or children for so long and who has suffered many losses and delays, to deny any child that has been through suffering, denial, and neglect? I can't help but want to reach out and cling to the possibility that this might be our referral.
Is it that at this stage I am that vulnerable? Or perhaps is it that I have reached the right point in this process of international adoption that I am primed and ready to bond with the child that we do meet when we go to Russia? But this particular point ... receiving a referral and having to turn it down... it's not easy.
I have to remember what our priorities are. Kevin is very objective about it, and has been from the very beginning. We cannot overextend ourselves to the point of not being able to provide our two children now, and my grandmother, with what they need.
As the prime mover in this adoption quest, it is simply unnatural to have to say 'No thank you.' to what you have been working so hard to achieve. But I suppose it is a part of the process. Establishing a set of criteria and being able to stick with it when you know that your heart is swaying and pulling your mind off the right course.
But with this attitude, how is there room for God to work, if we rigidly stick to our set guidelines without pause for the heart? Aren't we supposed to have open hearts? Doesn't God provide for us when we are in need? And He makes the impossible possible. By being so rigid, are we pushing Him out of the equation? Where is the balance between the common sense God has given us and the desires of the heart? In revelation? What if revelation doesn't come?
Even if we don't have an apocalyptic vision, we still must have faith. Faith that we will make the right decision. And faith that if we are still nervous, that we will be able to love and make the child we choose a part of our family forever. I know that despite Kevin's seemingly distant objectivity, that his heart will be moved even just a little, when we get the right referral. Perhaps his objectivity and my broken heart is just the right combination for navigating the oncoming current. He is the rudder, and I am the sail, catching the wind and pulling the boat forward in the direction that he knows we must go.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
You put such perfect words to so many of the thoughts that I had when I was in your shoes. It IS hard. And it doesn't get easier (we went through it more than once). We prayed that we'd make the right decision and then prayed for comfort living with it. Even though we have just accepted a referral and are thrilled, I still think about the others.
What a beautiful post. It is a hard decision. My friend who already adopted a deaf child from Russia was in the process of adopting a deaf child from China, but then found out the child wasn't deaf and so turned down the referral. My friend is not deaf and she has two hearing bio kids. What my point is, is that the child needs to be right for you guys and your situation. What would not be OK for someone else, might be OK for you and visa versa. I think once you have a referral and have reviewed everything- pray about it and see what your heart tells you.
In domestic adoption they stress that, if you say yes to a child that isn't right for you, you're doing that child a disservice by denying them the perfect family.
You have to have an open heart and consider different options, but you also have to listen to what your head is telling you, too.
i know accepting/denying a referral is going to be one of the hardest steps of the process. i keep reminding myself that this step is also the reason why we are going with Russia, so we have that option. hoping you find that great match soon. :)
Sandy, I know exactly what you are going through. It was so hard turning down the referrals I got. At least you didn't have to go there and hold the child before declining. You have to do what is best for you. Go with what your conscience is telling you.
I'm praying for your patience. It's an emotional decision when you get offered a referral but you and Kevin know what is best for your family.
I thought you put everything so well. When we lost our first kids, we were given three different sets of referrals. Just like Kay, the ones we ended up with after a lot of prayer were the ones we thought we'd never pick. Today they are home with us thriving. It truly is a miracle what God can do. It was hard to say no to the others, but after much prayer, we had undeniable peace. I pray that you too will experience that peace in your decision making, no matter what the end result is.
Post a Comment