Out. Of. Control.

I had to admit my grandmother to the hospital today. Since Monday I have been battling an infection in her leg, caused by no apparent reason. With visits to the doctor, antibiotics, hot and cold packs, meals in the recliner, and whipcracking tenacity I have been battling the swelling and redness in her lower left leg. With everything that's coming in the next week I wanted to squeeze in another visit to her own doctor today if possible, and he called saying he could see her this afternoon. One look at her leg and toes and he said "Hospital!" I know the leg looked bad, but after 5 days of treating her I thought it was starting to improve a bit, but certainly not to the degree that I would have liked. I did everything I could to heal her, but I guess I needed more help. She's now on intravenous antibiotics, getting respiratory treatments to help her breathing (which I was worried about too), and all kinds of tests to see what's going on with that leg. I hope that tomorrow finds her feeling much better. She was getting ornery today so I think she was feeling a bit better. But I worry.

We received a call from our agency director Thursday that we have been invited to Ekaterinburg for our first trip week after next. We scheduled our flights this morning and we leave in six days. When I found out Thursday I was happy, but stunned. I couldn't really respond because I was so consumed with trying to get my grandmother to feel better. And now I am torn because I don't want her to be sick when we go. We are traveling halfway around the world, and while not out of touch I will be out. of. control. Our families have offered to help us with the care of the kids, and with my grandmother, but is it too much for us to ask? I don't know.

There is a little girl in Ekaterinburg waiting for us to come and see her. She is 18-20 months old and she needs her parents to come and get her. But will I be forsaking the family I already have for the family that is yet to be?

So we are making all of our arrangements to go, but I have to say that my heart is distracted because I want my grandmother to be well, and I don't want to be an imposition to the rest of my family.

The story about Peter walking on water has been foremost in my mind lately. Late at night Jesus came walking out on the water to meet his disciples who were headed to the other side of the Sea of Galilee. As soon as they recognized him, Peter called out and told Jesus, "If it's you, tell me to come to you on the water." And Jesus said, "Come." So Peter, wanting so much to be like his teacher, climbed out and walked on the water toward Jesus. The wind and the waves were strong and frightened Peter so much that he began to sink, and he cried out "Lord, save me!" Jesus reached out and grabbed his hand and said "You of little faith, why did you doubt?"

I feel like Peter. I want to have faith that everything will work out fine, but the wind and the waves of reality hit me and I start to sink. Thank God He is there to pull me out of the water when I am sinking and my faith is weakened.