Anxiety

Things are getting better. C's doing much much better, and he even picked up a cold and fever from playing with his cousins all weekend. It's very strange, this anxiety he has. Certainly not rational. He really only shows his anxiousness after first waking, when he's tired at night, and occasionally during the day if something stressful is going on. He will play with his cousin who is sick and have not a second thought about it, but ask him to sit next to healthy K to read bedtime books and it ain't gonna happen. Being near K during times of stress triggers some unhappy chemicals in his brain causing him uncomfortable distress. We're reading a book right now called The Anxiety Cure for Kids written by the Dupont family. I'm only part-way through it but it points out that through living life as a "normal" person, the anxious person can slowly calm their fears down, actually altering his or her brain chemistry. Right now we are just helping C understand that his worries and reality are not the same, and that we can predict when they will get worse (morning, night and stressful times). Last night he told me that his worry bugs were still pretty bad, but he was trying to ignore them. I'm so proud of him! And I hope that his worry bugs are really not so bad that they are painfully bothersome. He's such a strong little guy. But from what I've read - and I'm thankful for this - it doesn't seem like his display of anxiety is that severe. Many show terror and their lives are severely limited. He doesn't seem to be so bad. Despite this, we want to provide him (and ourselves) with the tools and knowledge in case this gets worse.

This has all been a great learning experience for me. Anxiety runs in families. The afternoon in Russia when we decided to not sign the acceptance papers for the little girl we saw I had a severe panic attack. I'm was so tired from being up all night sending emails back and forth with the US doctors, worrying about what my motives were for being there, and trying to understand why it didn't feel right to me. And then having to say 'No' made me feel like a complete failure, after how hard we worked to get there and all the support we had been given. And in saying 'No' I knew there was a chance that we might not ever go back. I was an emotional mess. So all it took was Kevin saying to me, "I hope we get home safe" and my fears took over. Wave after wave of uncomfortable panic coursed through me as I realized that our will had been signed and we had three flights plus a drive on an icy Russian highway home. God had let me travel halfway round the world, away from the two children I loved the most, following a dream I thought was important, when what was most important was right at home all the time. I had given up on this little girl, and now I was going to lose it all. That is a panic attack. Extreme, repetitive fear, with some rational basis for it, but on the whole not rational. I couldn't stop it. Finally I got up and started packing. I took a shower trying to wash it away. We got out and walked to dinner. I didn't start feeling relief until we pulled in to the airport parking lot early the next morning.

I can understand what C is going through. I am thankful for that. My grandfather also had panic attacks when he reached his forties. I couldn't understand why he would put off making a trip somewhere, or why he said he felt lousy but could not describe exactly what it was. Now I KNOW. But my grandfather didn't stop living his life because of it. He fought his way through it. (He hated flying, however. He didn't fly unless he absolutely had to for work.) I will fight my way through my anxiety too, and I will teach C how to do it as well. I know that if we don't let the fears take over, then they will go away.