Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Not a dead blog
This blog is not dead.
It's just patiently waiting while I have been trying to figure out what's been going on in my head and my heart.
For most of the year I have been trying to get my feet back under me after losing my grandmother, and helping my children through her loss too. She and my grandfather became my parents when I was less than a year old. When my grandfather passed away in 1996, she came to live with Kevin and I and had been with us for 10 years, through having the twins and raising them. So it was a big loss, in many ways, when she died.
But we have still been thinking about what to do regarding the adoption. We have many concerns. We don't want to be gone from our children for so long. We don't want our trips to be a tremendous strain on our family. We are on our own now as parents, meaning we don't have my grandmother here to help us. And I haven't felt ready to proceed.
The busy summer has passed, with it's activities and camping trips. The kids are doing well now. In fact, C has been choosing to sit NEXT to K for breakfast every morning. K says she LOVES to read. They are in first grade now, and I have more time during the day. To think. And strangely (to me anyway), to grieve. I didn't have time to do that until recently. And it has been painful and debilitating.
I have found that over the past several months, that I have grown fearful. Risk averse. And to the point of almost giving up on the idea of having another child, thinking "why does this have to be so difficult?" But I have been wondering, what are we supposed to do? What am I supposed to do?
This weekend, Kevin and I went to see an adoption consultant. This person listened to our experiences, our concerns, and our hopes. She asked some very pointed questions about our expectations. I didn't really feel emotionally prepared to go to this meeting, but I wanted to go simply to find out what the next step for us should be. I honestly described that I thought part of my desire to adopt was expecting to find the closest thing to my biological child that I could no longer have. I said it, because it's true and I had to get past it. She then spoke up and said that adoption is the absolute opposite of having a biological child. You can't have any expectations, because this little one is completely NOT you or your spouse. But that's the beauty of it. And she said that we didn't need to be so fearful. I came away from the meeting feeling beaten. But I knew that's what would happen and I needed it.
But still I didn't feel strong enough to proceed. Until yesterday.
My optimism is back. My energy and my strength. I want to be conservative, but I think I may be able to do this again. I can look at C and K's baby pictures again and laugh, not feel the loss of that period gone by. It's a strange thing. Possibly a brain chemistry/hormonal change, but I'm happy that the change has come. I have been waiting for God's strength for the weary, because I have been weary.
I think most of all, I need to "be where my feet are", for C and K.
That's the lesson I learned 10 months ago.
It's just patiently waiting while I have been trying to figure out what's been going on in my head and my heart.
For most of the year I have been trying to get my feet back under me after losing my grandmother, and helping my children through her loss too. She and my grandfather became my parents when I was less than a year old. When my grandfather passed away in 1996, she came to live with Kevin and I and had been with us for 10 years, through having the twins and raising them. So it was a big loss, in many ways, when she died.
But we have still been thinking about what to do regarding the adoption. We have many concerns. We don't want to be gone from our children for so long. We don't want our trips to be a tremendous strain on our family. We are on our own now as parents, meaning we don't have my grandmother here to help us. And I haven't felt ready to proceed.
The busy summer has passed, with it's activities and camping trips. The kids are doing well now. In fact, C has been choosing to sit NEXT to K for breakfast every morning. K says she LOVES to read. They are in first grade now, and I have more time during the day. To think. And strangely (to me anyway), to grieve. I didn't have time to do that until recently. And it has been painful and debilitating.
I have found that over the past several months, that I have grown fearful. Risk averse. And to the point of almost giving up on the idea of having another child, thinking "why does this have to be so difficult?" But I have been wondering, what are we supposed to do? What am I supposed to do?
This weekend, Kevin and I went to see an adoption consultant. This person listened to our experiences, our concerns, and our hopes. She asked some very pointed questions about our expectations. I didn't really feel emotionally prepared to go to this meeting, but I wanted to go simply to find out what the next step for us should be. I honestly described that I thought part of my desire to adopt was expecting to find the closest thing to my biological child that I could no longer have. I said it, because it's true and I had to get past it. She then spoke up and said that adoption is the absolute opposite of having a biological child. You can't have any expectations, because this little one is completely NOT you or your spouse. But that's the beauty of it. And she said that we didn't need to be so fearful. I came away from the meeting feeling beaten. But I knew that's what would happen and I needed it.
But still I didn't feel strong enough to proceed. Until yesterday.
My optimism is back. My energy and my strength. I want to be conservative, but I think I may be able to do this again. I can look at C and K's baby pictures again and laugh, not feel the loss of that period gone by. It's a strange thing. Possibly a brain chemistry/hormonal change, but I'm happy that the change has come. I have been waiting for God's strength for the weary, because I have been weary.
I think most of all, I need to "be where my feet are", for C and K.
That's the lesson I learned 10 months ago.
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5 comments:
beautiflly said. when our lives (and this means body and mind) are so overwhelemd with just the day to day, grieving takes last palce.
yet, time has opened itself for you to get that necessary healing going.
much love sent your way....
You have a natural talent for writing. I'm lucky to be married to such a thoughtful and talented woman.
- Kev
I'm so glad you have been able to grieve and begin to heal yourself. You have time to adopt and I know as soon as the moment is right God will let you knwo and you'll have all the strength you need to do it.
Praying for you.
I'm so glad you are getting a chance to grieve. Life gets so busy and if you can take the time to work through it, it will help so much.
I know that you guys will make the right decision for your family. There are so many options available and so many kids from so many places and so many different wait times, time in country, cost, etc. I know you will find your match.
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