Processing progress, or progressing process?

About 3 weeks after my grandmother passed away, a well-meaning person emailed me anonymously and told me that I needed to "get back on the horse" with regard to the adoption. The email was meant to be encouraging, however, this person could not comprehend how much pain we were all in from our failed first trip, the death of my grandmother (i.e. my mother), AND didn't realize our 5-year-old son was falling to pieces before our eyes. Well, we've come a long way. But I don't know if we're there yet.

I called our agency director last week just to see how the Russia program was going. He said that since their accreditation had been received, more referrals were coming in, but they were still slow because regions, although they are now open, are having to learn and follow new processes. Infant girl referrals are not coming quickly. But we are still near the top of the list for another referral if and when we get our paperwork up-to-date. Many regions our agency is working with are waiving the 10-day wait period after the court date. (Can I say Hallelujah?) And referral information that is provided is only name, birthdate and a brief summary of the child's medical info. No photos or video are provided, although a photo can be pulled from the registry based on region, name and birthdate.

Many things I have been thinking about. Why Russia? Kevin wants to consider Vietnam, or possibly China. And certainly I have been trying to prepare myself by letting go of my personal desires. I can't go looking for my daughter. That was just wrong. No wonder I was so confused about why I wasn't bonding with this strange little girl. How ridiculous it was to think I could just intuitively know that a total stranger was meant to be part of our family.

I watched a show about Stalin on the History Channel last night, highlighting his efforts to improve the infrastructure of the Soviet Union in the 1930's, at the expense of great human suffering of course. The Soviet buildings and monuments all looked so familiar to what we saw in Yekaterinburg. It was interesting to watch... and intriguing.

I babysat my niece again today. She was an angel. We played together with the same toys that I used to sit down and play with C and K with. We sat together at the table for breakfast and lunch. I had planned to take her out on some errands but we were having such a good time watching the deer in the yard and reading books together that we stayed home. It was really pleasant. And yes, she's a well-behaved 3.5-year-old visiting her auntie for half the day... told to be good... and I didn't drop her in the toilet.

Why do I not sit down and play with the kids like when they were younger? Is it that they are playing so differently now? Am I taking advantage of the fact that they CAN play more independently, so I choose to do other things while they play? Or I'm tired? First grade and soccer don't leave a lot of time to play these days.

Kevin's been out of town these last three days and I've been enjoying the reading I've been doing with the kids. I LOVE reading to them. Even silly poems while they eat toast.

I recently had lunch with a very close friend, who was the first to adequately express what I have been feeling but not had words for...

As a parent, while you experience the magic and joy of loving your child and watching them grow, you also have to experience the pain and grief of having to let go of each stage they have grown out of.

And that's enough said for tonight.