Girlfriends

It was time again to spend a weekend with my college roommates. We do this just about every year, usually meeting near San Luis Obispo where we went to school together. Last year we spent the weekend at Pismo Beach. This year we headed north to Portland because our good friend Garnet moved to Oregon almost two years ago.

I have been looking forward to this weekend because these are friends that I can be totally honest with. I love them and they love me. We're not afraid to tell each other if our breath smells or if so-and-so snores. I refused to let one of my friends buy a dirty lime green jacket just because of the color. It just didn't look good on her. What's up with dirty lime green, anyway? It looks good on no one. This year's colors are just plain ugly.

The girlfriends want to know, "How's C doing?" I can't think of a better question to answer. "He's doing great! You wouldn't know anything happened at all." What a miracle that I can say this. I am so thankful. C will cuddle with his sister in the same chair, chase her around, pull out her hair. This morning K said to C, "Are your worry bugs bothering you about wearing my gymnastics shirt?" [because C was wearing one of K's]. C says, "Is this the one you vomited in the other night?" K - "No..." Well then, C says "No." Even without worry bugs, who would want to wear a vomit shirt??

The girlfriends also want to know, "What's going on with the adoption?" "What happened in Russia?" These are the hard questions, the ones I have been avoiding here in the blog, but I wanted to talk about it with them. I wanted to share my fears, my heartbreak, and my uncertainty. I did, and it was a healing experience. In talking about it, especially after having some time pass, I was able to sort through things and gain some perspective that I wouldn't have otherwise had. After describing the churning emotions and situation we found ourselves in in Russia, I couldn't accurately say why we had to say no to our referral. I couldn't say whether I truly felt we made the right decision by saying no. How can one know such a thing? But Terry accurately summed it up: "You were not at peace with the decision to say yes." No, there was no peace at all that day when considering whether to accept the referral. But I did feel a small shred of peace in saying no.

It was difficult to look back and remember how overwhelmed I felt, but I had to share it. I recently saw some photos of the little girl we visited. She is a beautiful little thing and I can't say that I don't have regrets about making the decision I did. But, the lack of peace I had was a warning that it was not right to say yes. I couldn't say yes, knowing that my grandmother's health was failing so. I just didn't feel like I had enough within me to provide this child with everything she would need from me, when my grandmother was then going to need so much more too. I wouldn't have had anything left for C and K. I have never known my limits before, and I must have hit them at full speed there in Ekaterinburg. It was humbling to realize I couldn't do everything I thought I could.

So what's going on with the adoption right now? I don't know. Frankly, I don't know if I can get on a plane and go so far away from my children again. The anxiety I had about getting home safely to them was so intense that I had trouble saying goodbye to them when I was leaving for Portland. And the impact of our traveling on the family was tremendous. My son's OCD symptoms and our daughter's lack of concentation in school both started before we even left. These things came to a head when my grandmother passed away, but I don't want to make it worse again. These are my fears. I'm not ready to abandon our dream of finding our next child in Russia yet. The problems with the reaccreditation are a timely excuse for us to continue waiting with our agency, since we are also not willing to travel for a blind referral again.

I'm also realizing that my grandmother was incredibly empowering to me. With her here by my side I felt like I could do anything! Now my confidence is shaken. I'm still trying to be the mother my two children need. I need to draw my strength from God now. Not myself.

So I really just don't know. I do have peace about waiting, but I hope that I don't have to wait too long to find out what to do next. I'm not going to push though. I worry that I pushed too hard for Russia just to satisfy my own personal desires. I don't want to do that again. Again a humbling realization.

I'm happy to be home with my two children. I'm happy that they are both doing well. I love my girlfriends! They have helped me be well too. I can't wait to see them again.