Thursday, August 07, 2008
Nesting and Attachment
This week and last have been a rush to get this house ready for a baby. I've saved this work for the end because I didn't want to be totally hung out to dry if the adoption fell through. But with only a few days left until we travel, and no news (you know, no news is good news) I had to get busy.
So, over the past couple of weekends, I pulled all of our baby stuff out of the garage attic. High chair, jumpy seat, car seat, crib drawer... and boxes and boxes of baby clothes. Sorting baby clothes was an arduous process. 7-year-old spit-up stains don't wash out and I have an enormous trash bag of stuff that needs to get thrown out or recycled into car rags. And then there were boxes and boxes of hand-me-down clothes which ended up going to the Goodwill because they were too small. But where were K's little clothes from when she was one year old? I couldn't find but a handful of things.
At the same time K had pulled out a photo album from that time and as I was flipping through it I realized that she spent the majority of that period wearing her boy cousins' hand-me-downs with C. Poor thing! (But they were comfortable.) M will be getting a few new clothing items, I think.
It's hard going through baby clothes. I put it off forever because I thought the day would come when I could sort through it all and use it again. This is exactly what is happening, but it's still hard. So many memories of C as a baby boy! I couldn't get rid of those clothes... they are repacked in a couple of boxes. Just in case there's another little boy in our future, someday.
(I've got to be crazy!)
But LOOK! Suz has all of that to look forward to. What an awesome turn of events for her and her family!
Today the carpet cleaners are coming to suck up the year's worth of shoe dirt and redwood dust that has accumulated in our carpets. Now M can crawl and grind her knees and nose into the nice, clean floor!
I only have two more days alone with C and K before we leave for Russia. What a strange, strange feeling. I am sad that this time with just them is coming to a close. I try to look forward to having another baby in the house and all the joy that entails, but it is so hard to imagine what that is going to be like. I was describing it to my friend, Mollie, and she said it was like living two separate lives and trying to merge them. Right now there is my life here at home, and my life in Russia with M. To be honest, I am a bit nervous and scared of how things will go when we get home. But after looking again at the pictures of M, I have an inkling that she will be an angel to us. Her happy smile and laughing eyes. I have to look forward to the great joy that we will have again with a baby and soon-to-be toddler.
I haven't been reading too much adoption-related material, but the other night after cleaning the house from top to bottom getting ready to do the carpets, I figured I'd better get some attachment reading in. So I was cramming the "Attaching in Adoption" book by Deborah Gray. I know why I saved that for last... attachment issues are alarmingly scary. But reading the book helped, and I found this website, which has a lot of useful ideas for attachment as well as resources when you need more help. What was helpful to me was learning attachment issues arise from the child learning to trust no adult, and realizing that my job is to help them heal from that, and that I should not take any of their behaviors personally. What a challenge for me that will be. I have always needed that reciprocity of love.
When K and C were born, I believe K went through a small bit of attachment disorder. She was in the NICU for 10 days after the delivery, and then when she came home we had Kevin's parents, aunt, my aunt, my grandmother... friends and family... everyone was staying, helping, feeding, and dropping by. I kept getting the sense that she didn't really know that I was her mother. And then I had to go the hospital again for 10 days when she and C were five months old, and the family was here again taking care of all of us. K spent so many hours feeding on my grandmother's lap during the days because C was fussy and would not have any part of GG feeding him. I didn't realize that all of these things were keeping K from understanding that I was her real mother, and I felt a distance and only a small connection with her during that first year. During the second year it started to get better. I was healthy, they didn't need lap feeding, and the family wasn't staying as much. Now we are very very close. I don't know that I could have changed the way things happened, but I am grateful that I now understand attachment a little bit. And I am always grateful that we are all healthy and together. I have to hope that M will come through any issues she may have (and thankfully she is still very young) and that she will eventually be part of our family like she has always belonged here.
So, over the past couple of weekends, I pulled all of our baby stuff out of the garage attic. High chair, jumpy seat, car seat, crib drawer... and boxes and boxes of baby clothes. Sorting baby clothes was an arduous process. 7-year-old spit-up stains don't wash out and I have an enormous trash bag of stuff that needs to get thrown out or recycled into car rags. And then there were boxes and boxes of hand-me-down clothes which ended up going to the Goodwill because they were too small. But where were K's little clothes from when she was one year old? I couldn't find but a handful of things.
At the same time K had pulled out a photo album from that time and as I was flipping through it I realized that she spent the majority of that period wearing her boy cousins' hand-me-downs with C. Poor thing! (But they were comfortable.) M will be getting a few new clothing items, I think.
It's hard going through baby clothes. I put it off forever because I thought the day would come when I could sort through it all and use it again. This is exactly what is happening, but it's still hard. So many memories of C as a baby boy! I couldn't get rid of those clothes... they are repacked in a couple of boxes. Just in case there's another little boy in our future, someday.
(I've got to be crazy!)
But LOOK! Suz has all of that to look forward to. What an awesome turn of events for her and her family!
Today the carpet cleaners are coming to suck up the year's worth of shoe dirt and redwood dust that has accumulated in our carpets. Now M can crawl and grind her knees and nose into the nice, clean floor!
I only have two more days alone with C and K before we leave for Russia. What a strange, strange feeling. I am sad that this time with just them is coming to a close. I try to look forward to having another baby in the house and all the joy that entails, but it is so hard to imagine what that is going to be like. I was describing it to my friend, Mollie, and she said it was like living two separate lives and trying to merge them. Right now there is my life here at home, and my life in Russia with M. To be honest, I am a bit nervous and scared of how things will go when we get home. But after looking again at the pictures of M, I have an inkling that she will be an angel to us. Her happy smile and laughing eyes. I have to look forward to the great joy that we will have again with a baby and soon-to-be toddler.
I haven't been reading too much adoption-related material, but the other night after cleaning the house from top to bottom getting ready to do the carpets, I figured I'd better get some attachment reading in. So I was cramming the "Attaching in Adoption" book by Deborah Gray. I know why I saved that for last... attachment issues are alarmingly scary. But reading the book helped, and I found this website, which has a lot of useful ideas for attachment as well as resources when you need more help. What was helpful to me was learning attachment issues arise from the child learning to trust no adult, and realizing that my job is to help them heal from that, and that I should not take any of their behaviors personally. What a challenge for me that will be. I have always needed that reciprocity of love.
When K and C were born, I believe K went through a small bit of attachment disorder. She was in the NICU for 10 days after the delivery, and then when she came home we had Kevin's parents, aunt, my aunt, my grandmother... friends and family... everyone was staying, helping, feeding, and dropping by. I kept getting the sense that she didn't really know that I was her mother. And then I had to go the hospital again for 10 days when she and C were five months old, and the family was here again taking care of all of us. K spent so many hours feeding on my grandmother's lap during the days because C was fussy and would not have any part of GG feeding him. I didn't realize that all of these things were keeping K from understanding that I was her real mother, and I felt a distance and only a small connection with her during that first year. During the second year it started to get better. I was healthy, they didn't need lap feeding, and the family wasn't staying as much. Now we are very very close. I don't know that I could have changed the way things happened, but I am grateful that I now understand attachment a little bit. And I am always grateful that we are all healthy and together. I have to hope that M will come through any issues she may have (and thankfully she is still very young) and that she will eventually be part of our family like she has always belonged here.
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9 comments:
Wow Sandy, the time is finally here! I didn't have children at home but left for Russia knowing the time with just my husband was coming to an end. In some ways I'm glad I didn't really know how much change there would be. Now a year on I can look back and know it was the right choice for us. When the changes seem hard I just have to see their two little smiling faces to see it was all worth it.
Safe travels. Can't wait to follow along your journey. I'm just packing up all of Natasha's 18 month stuff with no one to pass it on to here. Let me know if you could use it.
Ronda
It's wonderful to see this type of post on your site. It's time. And, as weird as it all must feel, you are ready.
Isn't it funny how we're prepared for things? I'm not an overly religious person, but sometimes I think God has a had in things. Not that God would ever have wanted K to have a year of difficult attachment -- but, it happened, and now that experience is being used for something greater.
That's how I think of my losing Peanut. I don't believe God wanted that to happen... it just did happen. But that experience and that loss helps me be a better parent to Slugger.
I am so excited for you to finally go over. Hope you post from over there
so much love we all send you.
I think M was always meant to be with you. :)))
Thinking of you and wishing you a safe trip! It seems like the timing (this time) has worked out perfectly.
I know what you mean by merging your current life and M's life. I was actually really nervous about Rita coming home. I was so used to our simple life with cat & dog and afraid that this new addition would "ruin" things. I think the things we are most afraid of also have the biggest rewards and that has definitely held true over the last six months.
Good luck and can't wait to hear about your trip!
How fun and sad to be going through K's old baby stuff. Fun that you'll get to use it again but I'm sure you miss those days with the twins some days. Okay maybe not the crazy schedule I know you had with two.
I will be praying for your time apart to go quickly. How are the kids feeling about welcoming M home? I so excited for you that this day is finally here.
I can totally relate to entering the unknown with M. Things will be a little weird at first, but it will all come together!
So happy for you! Can't wait to hear details!
Good luck and safe travels.
Exciting days are ahead for you! Best of luck. Have a safe and happy trip!
Hey guys, we're lighting candles like crazy for you here at home in the mountains. I totally relate to how things must feel. I completely panicked driving away from the baby home with Kolya in my arms. What now??!! But simply by being with him, loving him, earning his trust, he's become the loving little boy that he was meant to be. It will be the same with you, I know it. Breathe deeply, keep yourself calm, and enjoy!
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